Before and After
by MajesticBurn
Summary: G1 sequal to Forgive me, Jazz is dealing with some serious emotions after HeartBeat's death, and looks back on their time together while he's becoming a danger to himself and those around him. 2 parts.
1. Chapter 1

This is a sequal to my story Forgive me, it ran a little longer than I thought it was going to, so I broke it into two parts. This is dealing with all those terrable emotions you go through when a loved one dies, and just so you all know- Jazz and Heart-Beat really only had a plutonic relationship, I need to go through and fix any misunderstandings in Forgive me. Most of the flashbacks are from Jazz sleeping. Okay... Oh! I got the basic idea for this last week in English when we were watching Forest Gumpt(sp?). The basic plot is mine, as is Heart-Beat. The rest is owned by Hasbro, for now, I read somewhere Hasbro is contemplating selling a bunch of rights... Whatever. Enjoy.

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Before and After

Part 1

—Flashback—

Jazz stared cold-heartedly at the green and red femme across the battlefield, firing on his companions and having not yet noticed him. He wanted to make her pay, he had never felt such hate before in his life, especially for her, his hate making him feel sick with himself.

She saw him, and he swore for a moment he saw her smile, but the moment passed, and she reached into her subspace, Jazz hardly noticed the laze beams flying around them, he wondered how neither of them had been hit.

But the moment her hand was in her sub-space, he shot her, right in the weakest point of her armor. She fell back, something tight in her hand. He looked at her for a moment, she looked dead to him, so he pulled the thing from her hand (it was a data pad) and sub-spaced it. He thought it would feel good to see her dead.

It didn't.

—End Flashback—

Jazz sipped his high-grade energon in his room, his visor dim and his jaw clenched. Liquid had been streaming down from his visor all day, his lips trembling. He clutched his cup so hard he was afraid it would break, "Where did it all go wrong?" he whispered to himself. "I always thought we'd be together until the last day. I thought I'd lose my mind if she ever… Primus forgive me! Heart-Beat… forgive me… why couldn't she've just said it? Why couldn't she just tell me she forgave me, even if she didn't! Slaggit!"

He shook his head, "No, I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at me for letting her… Primus…" Liquid dripped down his face for the millionth time that day.

He was jolted from his dreary thoughts by a knock at the door, then the familiar chipper voice of Sideswipe drifting through to him. "Common Jazz! You can't stay in your quarters all dreary forever!"

"For slag's sake! Go away Sideswipe!" Jazz threw an empty cup at the door, smashing it. "Just go away! Go away and leave me alone damn it!"

It was only a few minutes before Blue Streak tried, only to walk away from Jazz's room crying. Jazz felt guilty for letting himself hurt his friends' feelings, but he wanted to be alone. Jazz checked his chronometer, one hour and he would have to go on duty. He whipped the liquid away from his face, finishing off his high-grade in a quick swoosh.

Then he picked up another. It wasn't more than twenty minutes before another pounding came on his door. It was an impatient, clearly angry and annoyed banging, he quickly swigged down his high-grade, hid the freshly emptied cups from sight, and grabbed another, staring at it for a moment before saying, "Ratchet man, we don't want any."

"Damn it Jazz! Let me in! That's an order!"

"Who died and made you Prime?" Jazz started to drink again, taking down as much of the cup as he could in a single gulp.

"It's an order from Prime for me to give you a check-up; you haven't shown up for a check since- well damn if you don't know! At least Prowl is trying to get back to normal life!"

"Leave me alone! I'm still completing my duties so there isn' any problem!"

"Jazz, how many high-grades have you had today?"

Jazz thought a moment before answering, "How many is too much?"

"For you; five."

"Okay. Add about twenty-six to that."

Jazz could almost hear Ratchet's angrystare, and actually heared him growlingoutside the door. "JAZZ! Get your aft out of there and into my med bay now!"

"Le'me think 'bout that… nah. I'm good here."

"Jazz, I'm giving you to the count of six to get your aft out of that room or I'm getting Prowl to open that door for me. Now get your aft out here!"

"What's the big deal? It ain't like I over-energized!"

"Oh yeah? Say the alphabet backwards."

"Fine! A B C D E D A G O F U C S Y O U R S E LF Z."

"JAZZ! Open this door so I can de-tox you!"

For a long moment there was silence as Jazz swigged down the last of his high-grade, grabbing another cup, "No. You can wait until after my shift's over right?"

"Jazz! Haul aft!"

Jazz pulled himself into a curled up position, tenderly taking off his visor, exposing his optics to the world outside his visor, drinking the last of his cup of high-grade. "I'm sorr'e Ratch-man. I won't. I miss her too much…"

"Jazz, she wouldn't want you to scrap yourself because of her! Now move!" Jazz looked to his feet, the medic was right. He tried to stand up but crashed down to the floor, hitting his already swimming head on his recharge berth. "Jazz! Jazz answer me damn it before I make you wear your aft for a hat!"

Jazz tried to think of something to say in return, something cheerful or sarcastic, but he couldn't get his thoughts to process. His last thought before he slipped offline was of Heart-Beat's smile, and how badly he wished to see it again.

—Flashback—

Jazz awoke with a headache, not that it surprised him, and someone cuddling up next to him. He knew immediately who it was, and wrapped his arms around her gently. He whispered to her, "Sis, yo sis ya 'wake?" She nodded, snuggling up closer to him. "Why ya in here sis?"

"I heard the teachers talking; those… Decepticons are getting closer to our city an' I just… I wanted to be with you bro." her green and red armor was hidden by dark shadows moving around the room, cast from beneath the door.

"Sis, ya can't always come to me when your scared 'o those creeps, soon enough we're probably gonna be separated by the war; ya know that."

She met his soft blue optics with her own, giving him a tender smile, "I know, that's why I want to be with my bro so much, I don't even want to think about what's going to become of us when we get different assignments. Okay bro?"

He nodded, kissing her on her helmet crest like she was a sparkling, holding her close. A pounding on the door jolted both of them awake as a bright yellow mech entered, shouting, "Hey Jazz y're gonna be late for cla- well hello." He said to the femme that was on her feet already, he was smirking at Jazz, "Sorry man, but I thought we agreed if we ever had a hot date to leave a "do not disturb" data-pad on the door, or didn't you have time?"

"Man! She's like m' sister! We weren't doin' tha' kinda thin'!"

"Oh… so you must be Heart-Beat, Jazz told me a lot about ya… wanna go ta my quarters?" Jazz moved to smack his yellow friend on the back of the head when Heart-Beat waved her hand dismissively.

"Sorry pal, but my type isn't aft; it's meches with great afts." She taunted, heading for the door, "Now sparklings, I do believe we have classes to attend!"

* * *

Jazz looked drearily at Heart-Beat, she had volunteered for a virtual suicide mission, and refused to let him come along, "Jazz, I've made up my mind, and that's that. There's no sense in both of us going on a kamikaze mission."

"But 'Beat! Girl listen to me! I don' wanna lose you!"

"You won't; not on this mission. I swear by Primus' creator, okay bro?"

"Alright, but be careful!"

"Done."

—Back to Present—

Jazz's optic came online slowly, the first thing he noticed was the intense lights of the med-bay. He tried to move to put his arm over his optics, but he found he was in the restraining bunk, usually reserved for Iornhide because of how he thrashes around saying he's fine. "Ratchet man… Why'm I in the restraints?"

"Jazz, you're online, good. We were worried about you for a while there." Jazz turned his head to see Blue Streak sitting at his bedside. "Why'd you do it Jazz?" he whispered.

"Do what?" Jazz was utterly clueless as per what the gunner was talking about.

"Don't give me that Jazz! Why'd you do it?"

"Man if this is 'cause I hurt your feelings earlier today-"

"First of all, that was a week ago, second of all, that isn't what I'm talking about!"

"Well then what!" Jazz was getting frustrated, desperately trying to remember what he did that was so horrible.

"You tried to poison your own systems!"

"I did what?"

"Jazz, I know losing Heart-Beat was hard on you, but killing yourself isn't the answer!"

"Blue' you gotta believe me, I don't remember trying to do anything to hurt myself! I remember having some high-grade an then… then I was here."

"Jazz, you don't have to lie."

"I'm not lying 'Blue! I don't remember! I love me! Why would I do that?"

"Depression can hit the best of us, even the most cheerful of us Jazz." Wheeljack put his hand on his shoulder, patting him.

"'Jack, believe me, I ain' suicidal! It was an accident. It had to've been!"

"Jazz, you had twenty high-grades, then five system-deteriorating drinks." Ratchet frowned over him, staring into his optics. That was when Jazz realized that his visor was still gone.

"I-I want my visor Ratchet. Please man, I want my visor."

Everyone stared at him as if he was an alien, he almost died and all he could think about was his visor? Prowl approached, Jazz's visor in hand. He put the visor on Jazz and backed away, shaking his head, "Jazz, what have you done?"

"Prowl, I don't remember drinking poison, it just kinda happened."

Prowl was silent for a long time before finally whispering, "You're being required to have a psyche evaluation twice a week until you're deemed stable- and you're getting a systems check once a week until you're deemed no longer a danger to yourself or others."

"Prowl man-"

"No negotiating Jazz! I know her death was hard on you, but that's no excuse to act irresponsible and illogical!"

Jazz glared at Prowl, "What do you know? You don't let anyone become more than just a friendly comrade to you! You don't lose friends, you lose comrades! Nothing more! You logical slaggin sonova **_bitch_**!" Jazz couldn't believe something so cold about his best friend had come out of his mouth, and more, "How dare you pretend to be…" He couldn't continue, he was not only hurting Prowl but himself as well. For the first time in a long time Jazz hated someone besides the Decepticons, he hated himself.

Everyone looked at Jazz, he never had outbursts, especially not at Prowl. Ratchet and Wheeljack quickly checked his systems. Blue Streak looked at him fearfully, optics welling, "Prowl is not that sparkless!"

"It's alright Blue Streak, he's being illogical, let me know when he's being logical again, then I'll be back."

To be continued…

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There, I'll put up part 2 when I feel like it. RnR if ya'll don't mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Lo and behold, I'm updating the story. It was finished the 14th by the way, I just wanted to make you all suffer. I do not own Transformers.

Enjoy!

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Before and After

Part2

—Flashback—

A sparkling Jazz entered a Cybertronian playground of sorts, his two creators walking him there, "Have fun sweetie! Be sure to make lots of friends!"

"I will Comility!" the little Jazz walked up to three larger young meches, "Hi! My name's Jazz, what's yours?" he gave them a friendly smile; he really wanted to be friends with them.

But they just laughed. The largest one said, "Aww, the baby wants to make friends with the big boys!"

"What a loser." The second one added, sneering.

"What a baby!" the third taunted, almost making little Jazz cry.

"Leave him alone!" a small green and red sparkling, clearly even younger than Jazz spoke up, pointing to the second one, "What do you know you Comility's little bot! And you," she pointed to the third, "Slag-for-circuits, and you," she pointed to the first one, "Mister Still-can't-use-the-waist-extraction-unit-by-himself-yet!"

The three meches moved away, growling slightly. Jazz smiled at the femme, "Thanks, I-I'm Jazz. Will... will you be my friend?"

"Sure; I'm Heart, nice to meet you."

—End Flashback—

Jazz jolted up, his deep recharge cut short. It was only a few hours before he was scheduled to come out of recharge, so moved to his desk. He pulled out his personal log and started writing.

_Dear Log,_

_I had another dream about her, good Primus I miss her so much; why can't I get over her death? I thought she was dead for years, why is it so much more painful now? Should I tell someone about my dreams?_

_-Jazz_

Jazz crawled back into his berth, again falling into restless recharge.

—Flashback—

Jazz and Heart became closer than siblings over the years, she spent almost all her time at his garage, it almost seemed to him like she never wanted to go to her own garage, it never made sense to him back then, her Comility had died when her spark was removed, so Jazz's Comility became Heart-Beat's Comility. From Jazz's perspective back then, her Demority seemed to be very loving, but he often heard Heart-Beat praying to Primus, asking him if Jazz's creators could be hers too.

He eventually learned however what a terrible creator he was. Her Demority joined the Decepticon rebels, and Heart got her wish. Jazz's Comility wouldn't let her Demority take her away, and she became part of Jazz's family, Jazz's Comility re-named her Heart-Beat.. Heart-Beat never spoke of him as her Demority again, he was just the mech who helped create her; Jazz's Demority was hers.

Often she would sneak into his quarters, and slept snuggled up to him when they were small, told him she was afraid, though he was never sure of exactly what. All that mattered to him was that she was his sister; they went to school together, stuck together like glue for years, always had each other's back, they loved each other like true siblings, and were always closer than anyone would ever see past.

Jazz wanted more than anything for it to last forever. Then, something changed. She had other bots their age around her, and she spent more and more time with other meches; alone. Sure, he spent time with femmes, but she spent far more time alone with meches, many of them with bad-boy reputations. And with every new boyfriend she had, the more head-over-heels she fell, and the harder the break-ups were on her.

Jazz knew the terrible truth when he saw her begging a particularlyrude mech not to break up with her, saying she had proved how much she loved him, he couldn't leave her.

Jazz refused to let her date anyone who he didn't approve of personally first after that.

—End Flashback—

Jazz turned online again, wondering whether or not to bother with writing about this last dream in his log. He decided against it, pulling a high-grade energon from a hiding place in his room. He shook his head, he felt like an addict hiding his high-grade energon, but he wasn't about to give up the only thing that made his pain go away completely; if only for a few hours.

He heard tender, even knock on his door. He rolled over, groaning, "Go away Prowl. I'm tired." He quickly gulped down the last of his energon, hiding the empty container.

"Jazz, we need to talk." Prowl let himself in, sitting down next to Jazz. "I know it hurts to lose her, it hurts me too, but she would hate herself if she saw how her death as driven you to the edge. It's only logical to be sad."

Jazz suddenly hated Prowl, he didn't know why, but rage against him burned his systems, "You have no right! You didn't know her like I did! You didn't love her like I did! You didn't know her at all!" he shouted, he wasn't sure when he did it, but at some point in his shouting he had knocked Prowl to the ground, hitting him square in the jaw.

"Jazz! What's gotten into you? Stand down, that's an order."

"Don't you pull rank on me you logical bastard!" Jazz kicked him with all his might repeatedly while he was still down on the floor, uncontrollably shouting profanities at him, Jazz still hadn't even realized what he was doing. He didn't even realize it when Sideswipe and Sun Streaker pinned him down, locking him in restrictive energon bars.

All Jazz felt was hate, pain and loss, and all he wanted was her to come back from the dead and make it all go away. He had been left alone in the brig for a good twenty minutes before he realized what he'd done, and cried. He cried for so long he wondered if his face would rust, and he realized that he didn't want to do this anymore.

Jazz felt lucky he had been in the special operations department; he had been trained to get out of all kinds of restraints. He was even gladder the twins had forgotten his weapon. He was especially glad they had left him alone in the brig, if anyone was watching the security cameras, it would be too late before anyone got to him.

Once he got the restraints off his hands, he pulled his rifle out of his sub-space pocket. He pointed it directly into his optics, then he changed his mind, he took his visor off then put the gun up again. He stayed staring down the barrel of his own gun for what seemed like an eternity, but he finally moved his finger into position, tapping the trigger, hoping he could make it shoot him unintentionally.

Then the door opened and he found himself tackled to the ground by Blue Streak, "Jazz! Why?" He shouted, wrestling him for the gun.

Jazz felt more liquid streaming down his face, how could he tell him that he wanted to feel as bad on the outside as the inside? How could he tell him how much he hated himself? How could he tell him how much he missed her? How? He felt a painful surge from his spark core, and he fell offline.

—Flashback—

Jazz woke in the med-bay, groaning, "Patch-Up? Man what happened?"

Jazz's old medic shook his head, whispering, "I'm sorry Jazz, but it was 'Beat who did this to you."

"No she didn't, there must've been a mistake…"

"I'm sorry Jazz, there was no mistake. She left you for dead."

"Yer lyin'! Ya gotta be! She's m' sis! She'd never... she wouldn't... she couldn't... Oh Primus... no..." Jazz, dispite amazingly powerful pain from his injury, sat up, wrapping his arms around his legs, waiting to wake from his nightmare.

But he never did.

—End Flashback—

Jazz woke to an empty med-bay, but voices drifting to his audios from the door outside, "Optimus Prime, he's become a danger to himself and those around him! Something has to be done!"

"I know you're worried Prowl, but what can we do when he's this unstable?"

"Anything! He's in danger to himself! Please Sir! We have to do _something_!"

"Prowl, I wish I could do something too, but this is his battle, the only thing that can re-stablize him mentally is himself, I don't think this was really caused by losing her, I think that was just the catalyst, that this upset condition was caused from a multitude of built up emotion over the eons. He needs to help himself now."

"But Ratchet-"

Jazz stopped litsening, he knew Ratchet was right. But he felt so alone, he missed his sister more than anyone else he had seen and lost in the war. He wanted more than anything in the Universe to be with her again, to be forever with her, as a brother and sister should.

He felt a sudden warmth, and he looked up to see a semi-transparent Heart-Beat above him, wrapping her arms around him, whispering in his audio, "Oh Jazz, I tried to explain to you that it was alright, why did you have to attack Prowl and yourself?"

"Heart' I…"

She put a finger on his lips and whispered, "Sh… I know I know… if it will ease you at all; I forgive you. I love you soooooo much bro! Please, it kills me all over again to see you in such pain! Please bro… stop beating yourself up. "Her ghostly arms wrung around his shoulders, a tear falling from her optic and landing on his visor, it was wet, but invisible. She lowered her voice to a whisper, "Okay?" He glanced up and nodded, taisting her tear, eveb though it didn't seem to be real. "And Jazz? Could you please tell Prowl I love him too? You two were the only meches I ever really loved, and I want you both to be alright. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah, yeah I can."

"Thank you Jazz." She kissed the crest of his helmet, "See you in a few million years when you join the Matrix, and be sure to give me niece or nephew, alright?"

"Alright, I hope it's that long, and I'll try to make you a proud aunt. See you then sis."

His optics came online, he was unaware they had been offline, and she was gone. But he saw the ajar door, and pulled himself off the med-table. He saw shadows and heard low murmurs, he moved slowly to the door to see Blue Streak, Prowl, Optimus, Ratchet, Wheeljack and the twins sitting in the waiting room, some dozing off. He pushed the door open; unaware of how meek he looked.

For a moment e just stood there, looking at his feet, then he raised his head and whispered, "I'm sorry. I screwed up, I let grief control me, and that only made things worse." He looked to Prowl, "You loved her too man; an' I'm sorry I overlooked that. She loved both of us, and I let ya, an her down. I'm sorry."

Prowl nodded, "Thank you Jazz, but what changed your mind?"

"She did."

Everyone jumpped, Jazz was either losing his mind or seeing ghosts. It wasRatchet whointerrupted, "As touching as this is; get your aft back on that table! Do you have any idea the hell you put me, and the rest of the base through Jazz!" Jazz couldn't help but smile, maybe going back to normal wouldn't be so hard after all.

Eventually.

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Anyone hate it? Then screw you! Especially you Sid! RnR please! 


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